At the Center of the Light

At the Center of the Light

1

Before I knew it, summer was over, and fall had begun. My second year of university was almost half over. The autumn winds were cold, and maybe their piercing chill made me sentimental. I sat down alone on a bench on campus and thought back on everything that had happened this year.

In spring, I met Naruse and we started dating.

Before summer vacation, we broke up.

Maori and I still spent time together, smiling and laughing.

…But that wasn’t all. I had lied again. When Maori asked me if I liked anyone in high school, I told her I didn’t. But she’d simply forgotten. In high school, she’d noticed my feelings.

Izumi, do you by chance have a crush on Tooru?

The first time she asked me that was just before the end of our second year of high school, over spring break. That day, the two of them had insisted that I come with them to picnic under the cherry blossoms at the park where they’d gone on their first date.

And since the end of summer vacation, the pair had changed more notably. Maori, in particular. She’d never met Tooru prior to developing amnesia. So even though they were dating, he was almost a total stranger to her when she woke up every morning. Nevertheless, it seemed to me that now when she saw him, she got used to their relationship more quickly than she had before. She seemed to trust him completely.

The day of the picnic, when she and I were on our way home after saying goodbye to Tooru, out of the blue, she inquired timidly if I liked him.

“What made you think that?” I asked. “Also, me and Tooru?”

“I’m sorry to ask this so suddenly. Maybe I’m imagining it. I just…kind of feel like you might.”

I smiled wryly, waving dismissively to emphasize my point.

“No way. I care way too much about handsome faces to like him. Kamiya is a good guy…but I only like him in the sense that we have similar interests. He’s just a friend to me.”

Maori seemed reassured by my nonchalant answer.

“Really? That’s good to hear.”

“Seriously, though, why’d you ask?”

“No reason. It’s just that when I met him today, I could tell what a good person he was, and you’re very important to me, too. So if you liked him…I would be worried I was getting in the way.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. You two are already dating, so if anyone is getting in the way, it’s me.”

I tried to sound as natural as possible. But maybe because I knew she was paying close attention, I felt overly sensitive to the nuance of my own words.

If anyone is getting in the way, it’s me.

If I was honest with myself, I was already starting to fall for him.

Because we have similar interests?

Not just that.

Because he’s so good to my best friend, Maori?

That was part of it. But that wasn’t the main reason.

Because I realized how kind he is?

…Normally, people aren’t able to step outside of themselves. It’s impossible for them to care more about someone else than about themselves. They constantly weigh their options and choose what’s advantageous for them.

Or so I thought. Tooru showed me a side that I didn’t know existed. He cared about Maori more than he cared about himself, and he didn’t expect anything in return.

No matter how much he loved her and valued her, she forgot it all the next day. Even so, he did everything he could to make her daily life fun. He never complained, even though he must have gone through tough things himself. He was always smiling around her.

“Kamiya, how do you do it?” I asked him once when the two of us were alone, not long before we had our picnic under the cherry blossoms. The sky was a beautiful dusky pink behind him as he turned toward me.

“Because I love her,” he answered placidly, completely unruffled.

It hurt me. I never knew that watching someone smile could be so painful.

Why does it hurt so much?

I tried not to think about it. Instead, I asked in a self-mocking tone, “Just because you love someone, does that mean you’ll do anything for them? Personally, I don’t get that.”

“I don’t do anything. I do what I can,” he clarified.

“Is that true? You seem to be pushing yourself kind of hard for someone who’s just doing what they can.”

“I don’t do what’s impossible, and I couldn’t even if I tried. But if there’s something I can do with a little extra effort or something I want to do, then I feel happy to do it.”

I stared at him silently. I couldn’t grasp what he meant, but I wanted to.

At the same time, I was starting to realize something. The pain I’d felt earlier and my desire to understand him both suggested that I…

“My life before I met her was boring. I thought I knew all about living, and I never did anything stupid or crazy.”

Those words of his were seared into my memory. He smiled gently as he spoke.

“But now I simply enjoy my days with Hino. I truly feel like if there’s something I can do for her with a little extra effort, then I want to do it. She surprises me and makes me see things in a new light. She makes me feel like I want to be a better person.”

Up until a certain point, I thought Tooru and Maori were very different. But it was only a superficial contrast. I felt embarrassed. Humans have the ability to see the world with their heart, but I only saw it with my eyes. Once I looked with my heart, their similarities were obvious. No matter the situation, they were always thoughtful of others. They were able to understand other people’s feelings, to take them into consideration.

I thought about that conversation with Tooru as I walked home with Maori after the picnic that day. I wasn’t sure what had prompted her to ask me if I liked Tooru. All the same, her intentions came across. Even with amnesia, she had been considerate, worrying whether she was getting in the way of her friend’s crush. My denial should have expelled that concern. I didn’t let any of my inner turmoil show.

Spring break ended, and our third year of high school began. Due to her amnesia, Maori was transferred out of the advanced class, and the head third-year teacher arranged for her to join Tooru’s class.

As long as he was there, I wasn’t needed.

When she woke up every morning, she learned of her condition and read her journals and notebooks before going to school. Tooru would be in her class when she got there. He was her boyfriend, and unbeknownst to her, he knew about her amnesia. Tooru Kamiya, who tried to bring joy to her life every day.

Overwhelmed with studying for university entrance exams, I pretended not to notice my loneliness from being apart from Maori or my budding feelings for Tooru. Maori and I still texted and talked on the phone every day. We saw each other often at school. But instead of me, Tooru was always by her side.

When the three of us were together, we chatted like usual. Sometimes, in the middle of a conversation, Tooru would just stare, captivated, at her face. I could see the love in his eyes. Every time I saw it, my chest ached. I knew my own love had no outlet. But I should have been more careful. Because someone was right next to me, watching me watch him.

“Izumi…do you by chance have a crush on Tooru?”

It was the day after Golden Week when Maori asked me that for the second time. I knew that she and Tooru had been planning to go to the zoo over the break. They’d invited me, but I didn’t want to get in their way, so I told them I had to study. After school, the day after vacation ended, the two of them came to my classroom to give me a souvenir from the zoo.

“Hino and I chose this for you because we thought you might like it. It’s a handmade bookmark.”

To be completely accurate, Tooru was the one who gave me the souvenir. He took the elegantly wrapped bookmark out of his bag and handed it to me. I hadn’t expected to get a present.

“What? For me?”

“Yeah. Tooru was the one who saw it and thought you’d like it,” Maori said.

“No, I… Okay, yes, I did.”

“Why did you try to deny it? Are you shy?”

“No, I am not shy. By the way, Hino said these cookies from the zoo were really good, so I picked some up without telling her. I brought some tea in my thermos, too, so how about we eat them together?”

He’d not only made the Maori on the day of their date happy; he was also bringing today’s Maori joy with his present. It had been a long time since the three of us talked, and we really enjoyed our conversation. That day, I realized that even I had a feminine side. It was the first time a guy had ever given me a present. It was just a small thing, a bookmark that probably cost a few hundred yen. But Tooru had picked it out for me.

I kept glancing at his face as the three of us talked. And my heart ached—it was a bittersweet feeling. After a while, he said he was going to the bathroom and left the classroom. Once he was safely out of earshot, Maori timidly said, “Hey, I was wondering…”

“What? Can you believe Kamiya kept those cookies secret from you?”

“Izumi…do you by chance have a crush on Tooru?”

Time froze.

Ideally, I shouldn’t have paused, because in a way, I was confirming her suspicions. But a thought flitted across my mind. What would happen if I told her I liked him? What would happen if I said, Yes, I do like him? She would probably be surprised. She might think I was joking. Or she might think I meant I liked him as a friend. But if she did realize I meant it in a different way…she might smile sadly and say, So you finally like someone.

And then what would I do? Since they were a couple, would I say she didn’t need to worry about me? Would she go along with that?

You’re very important to me, too. So if you liked him…I would be worried I was getting in the way.

I recalled what she’d told me before. If I said I liked him, it might not just make her sad—it might cause something even worse to happen. I knew I wasn’t overthinking. She was that kind of person. She was like Tooru. She put her friends’ happiness before her own. Maori would tell herself that Tooru would be better off with me because of her amnesia…

In front of me, she would probably act like it was no big deal to break up with him. What would Tooru do then? Would he push back, insisting that he wanted to stay together? Probably not. In all likelihood, he would respect her decision, assuming she had her reasons for doing it. And…they would part ways. In the worst-case scenario, they would genuinely break up.

Then what would I do? If Tooru was single, would it be okay to tell him I liked him?

At that point, I realized something. My feelings for Tooru really were getting in the way. They only served to destroy Maori’s happiness. In which case, they’d be better off not existing. They’d be better off disappearing. Fortunately, Maori couldn’t retain memories. They didn’t remain unless she wrote them in her journal.

“What? I’m so surprised, I froze for a second. Me, like Tooru? No way, that’s impossible,” I said, making a strong effort to smile.

“…Really?” she said, giving me a slightly searching look.

I repeated my answer from before, like I only saw the outer appearance of others. Like I was a shallow person. I reeled off those stale lines to convince Maori I had no feelings for Tooru.

But I didn’t leave it at that. I couldn’t.

“I hate to ask you this, Maori, but would you mind not writing down what you asked me today in your journal?”

“Why not? If I don’t write it down, I might ask you again,” she said, puzzled. I put on a faint smile and answered jokingly.

“That’s fine, I’ll just say the same thing again. If you write in your journal that you asked me if I like Kamiya…even though you know I have absolutely no interest in him, since he and I are friends, I would be so embarrassed if he ever read your journal, and it would be awkward. So, please? Just to make your best friend happy?”

If I didn’t say that, she might have written down our conversation. This was the second time she’d asked. That was clearly unnatural. Once her memory was reset and she was reading her journals objectively, it might strike her as odd. Like she must have had a reason for asking me twice.

“Okay, I promise not to write it down. You know I can’t say no to you,” she said.

And she kept her promise. The next day, when I saw her, I said, “By the way, about the thing I asked you to do yesterday…” She gave me a genuinely confused look. She couldn’t have possibly faked that reaction.

“Um, I’m sorry, Izumi. What did you ask me to do?”

“I’m getting behind on studying…”

After that, I promised myself I wouldn’t make the same mistake again. When the three of us were together, I did my utmost not to focus on Tooru. I kept my conversations with him as short as possible without seeming unnatural. I didn’t steal glances at him when he was looking the other way. I thought that would do the trick. Unfortunately…

Who was the poet who originally came up with that famous saying? It’s included in all sorts of books and proverb dictionaries and websites listing famous quotes.

You can’t hide love or coughs.

“Maybe I’m misreading this…but do you by chance have a crush on Tooru?”

“Izumi…do you like Tooru?”

“Hey, I was wondering, is Tooru your type?”

“…Sorry if this is a weird question, but do you…?”

No matter how many times I tried to redo the situation, Maori always seemed to notice my feelings. It wasn’t that she was trying to warn me so that she could keep him for herself. She was asking because she simply, innocently wondered if she was getting in my way.

The problem was on my end. I shouldn’t have been interested in him.

At the start of summer vacation, I completely stopped interacting with him. Sometimes, I hung out with Maori, but if Tooru was there, I stayed away. The previous summer, I’d felt lonely because we weren’t hanging out as a group, but in the summer of our third year, I intentionally avoided hanging out as a threesome.

Maybe because he knew I was studying for university entrance exams, Tooru never mentioned it. When summer vacation ended, I ran into him in the hallway. I hadn’t seen him in a long time. Pain and affection welled up within me, making my eyes sting.

“Hi, Izumi!”

But Maori was by his side. Of course she was. They were always together at school.

“Did you lose weight, Wataya?” Tooru asked after I’d said hello to Maori.

“…The summer heat has been getting me down. Anyway, how are things going with Maori?” I asked.

“Fine. We’re getting along great.”

“Glad to hear it. I’m on duty today in homeroom, so I’d better be going. Bye, Maori.”

I smiled and left them. My mission was to reduce contact with Tooru to a bare minimum, while making sure it didn’t seem unnatural to Maori. After summer vacation, things continued on without a hitch. I thought I’d be able to hide my feelings that way. But that fall, something completely unexpected happened. My feelings were entirely exposed to Maori.

2

As summer turned to fall, the first- and second-year students started to talk incessantly about the school festival. Our high school generally didn’t put much energy into school events. Still, there was always a sports festival and a school festival, like they were part of the standard operating procedure. Since the school festival took place close to university entrance exams for third-year students, the first and second years handled most of the preparations.

The event only lasted one day, and it wasn’t open to the public. There also weren’t any stalls cooking or heating food, which would have required a notification to the health department. But some students looked forward to it anyway.

Maori was one of them. The night before the festival, when we talked on the phone, she seemed a little jealous of her tomorrow’s self. That she would get to spend the whole day walking around the festival with Tooru.

The next morning as I was getting ready, her mother called me.

“I’m sorry to call so early,” she said. “Maori has a bit of a fever and doesn’t feel well. She’s come to grips with her amnesia, and she’s calm now…but I’m thinking of having her stay in bed today.”

A few minutes later, Maori sent me a text.

Izumi?

What’s up? How’s your fever?

A “read” notification popped up right away. But no message followed. Just as I was thinking of calling her, a reply came.

Oh, good. I knew because I could see that we’ve been texting every day, but—

Yeah?

I’ve been getting on with life even with amnesia, haven’t I? I’ve been going to school, and we’re still friends, right?

I could tell she was feeling discouraged today as a consequence of her cold. She woke up in the morning feeling sick, but reality didn’t stop because of that. She’d learned about her accident and memory loss and that nearly a year and a half had passed. It was only natural that she would feel anxious. I wanted to cheer her up.

Of course! Nothing has changed. Don’t worry.

Okay…that’s a relief.

You go to school every day. Just like your journal says, you seem to be enjoying life.

I read a little of it. I was so surprised. I have a boyfriend now?

Yeah, Kamiya, a guy who was in a different class from you last year. He’s tall and thin. Sound familiar?

Vaguely. He’s a nice guy, right? Not like my impression of him.

I smiled wryly. If Tooru hadn’t been nice, a lot of things probably wouldn’t have worked out. Maori might have felt anxious every day. She might not have managed to stay in school. I wouldn’t have gotten a crush on him…

I hear you’re sick today, so take it easy, okay? You don’t have to be afraid of tomorrow. I know it will be another good day for you. There’s nothing to worry about.

You’re right. Today…I’ll take it easy.

Good. I’ll get in touch with Kamiya. Don’t worry about anything, really.

Thanks, Izumi. Thanks to you, I think I’ll be okay.

I read her text and closed the messaging app. Then I opened my email and sent a message to Tooru, who had an old flip phone. I told him Maori had a cold and was staying home but that her mood was stable.

Got it. Thanks, Wataya.

I read his reply, finished getting ready, and headed to school.

My last high school festival was beginning. Homeroom ended quickly, and the start of the festival was announced over the intercom. Since I was in the advanced class, some students stayed in the classroom studying or took their things to the library instead of going to the festival. I was planning on doing the same. Whether Maori was there or not, I intended to spend the day quietly studying in the library.

“Wataya?”

But someone stopped me on my way there. I turned around. Tooru was standing there alone. He walked down the hallway until he was right in front of me.

“Want to go to the festival together?” he asked.

I must have looked pretty surprised.

“What, why?”

“Why? Because today is the festival.”

“I…don’t need to go. Maori’s not here, and you’d probably be more relaxed by yourself. Don’t worry about me. Bye.”

I turned around and started walking away. The hallway leading to the library was sunless and cold. The noise from the festival didn’t reach here. It was quiet, so quiet…

Maybe that’s why my heartbeat sounded so gratingly loud.

“Did I do something to make you hate me?” Tooru asked.

I stopped walking and faced him again. He was frowning, as though the situation troubled him. My heart refused to calm down. Along with the pain, something stirred and spread throughout my chest.

Tooru didn’t really need to interact with me if Maori wasn’t there. Both of us were good at spending time alone. He might as well kick back with a novel. But maybe because he thought I’d been acting strange, he made a point of seeking me out. He invited me to the festival and tried to cheer me up because we were friends.

For once, he was looking just at me, thinking only of me.

My heartbeat was deafening. I was hurting, I was suffering, and I was happy. For a moment, I couldn’t speak.

Maori wasn’t here. Maybe I could get away with it. I wouldn’t tell anyone; I wouldn’t leave any traces. Maybe it was okay to create a memory that belonged only to me and Tooru.

I gazed silently at Tooru. Then, for the first time in ages…I smiled at him.

“What are you talking about, Kamiya?”

He seemed surprised by my cheerful words and attitude. I burst out laughing and walked over to him.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been so nervous about exams that I’ve been kind of high-strung since summer. You didn’t do anything, and I don’t hate you.”

How long had it been since I’d let down my guard around him? I had to be careful not to talk too fast out of pure happiness.

“Really? I guess that makes sense. I bet you’re applying to a national university. The test sounds hard, especially with all those subjects.”

“You’re taking the public service exam, right? I heard that one has a lot of subjects, too.”

“Yeah, but the exam was this summer, so it’s over.”

“No way. The civil service exam is that early? So you’re free to take it easy now?”

“There are more tests down the road, but I’m free enough to have some fun today. How about you?”

He smiled at me. He was always a little mischievous like that when he talked to me. My heart trembled at the familiarity of our exchange. I realized I was happy and there was nothing I could do about it.

“I’m free enough to have some fun today, too,” I said, matching his joking tone. “Since it’s our last festival and all…I think I’ll let you show me a good time.”

Tooru and I were going to walk around the festival together as friends, just friends. That was the objective reality. Reality is stubborn. It doesn’t change. But it didn’t matter. I didn’t care how he felt. I made up my mind to create my own special memory that day. I was sure the gods would forgive me. After all, it was just a little thing…

“So where should we go? Is there anything you want to see?”

“Let me put away my books and stuff first. We can decide where to go after that.”

“Oh, sorry. You’re right.”

“Since you invited a lady to the festival, you’d better escort her properly,” I teased before arranging to meet him by the entryway and heading back to my classroom.

“Ladies don’t run down hallways,” he shouted after me. I must have broken into a jog without realizing it.

“Shut up!” I shouted back, my voice as bouncy as my steps.

I quickly fixed up my hair and makeup before meeting Tooru at the entryway to head into the festival. He had dutifully fetched the festival pamphlet handed out in homeroom. We studied it before heading out.

Naturally, we were standing close together, but I pretended not to feel anything.

First, we went to buy some cotton candy so we could walk around eating it and feel like we were at a festival. Everyone else must have had the same idea because there was a long line by the stall in the courtyard. It only cost fifty yen, so we did rock-paper-scissors to decide who would treat the other. Even though I lost, Tooru insisted on paying when we got to the counter, saying, “I invited you, after all.” Pleased and embarrassed, I jabbed him in the side with my elbow. Maybe it surprised him, because he gave me an odd look.

After that, he said there was something he wanted to see, so we walked over to the athletic field, cotton candy in hand. A flea market had been set up there, organized by the teachers and clubs. Items were displayed in messy rows. Judging by the old electronic devices mixed in, the teachers had clearly scoured their houses for stuff they couldn’t otherwise get rid of.

Tooru went into housewife mode searching for deals, and I burst out laughing at how intense he was. He protested bashfully, and we joked around about it. This wasn’t intimacy between a boy and a girl, but banter between friends who got along well. I smiled so much at the silly jokes that filled our casual conversation that my cheeks started to hurt.

I knew this would be painful to look back on in the future. It wasn’t like the times we’d ended up together without Maori by chance. He and I were intentionally spending time together, and it would probably never happen again. It wasn’t a date, but to me, it was. Since I knew this was my one and only chance, I wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. I wanted us to smile and laugh together.

Some of the clubs had set up stands, and I was curious about what the Literature Club was doing, so we went to take a look. A couple of their members were hovering restlessly in the room they were in, and copies of the club magazine were set out on a desk.

“I bet they’d be shocked if they found out you were Keiko Nishikawa’s brother,” I whispered to Tooru. He smiled shyly.

We picked up copies of the magazine and headed for the popcorn stand. We stopped by the ring toss and the haunted house, making the rounds. We had a good time together.

“Whew, I’m tired from laughing so much. Can we take a break?” I asked. I really was tired from laughing, so we slipped into an empty room being used as a rest area. No one else was there, so we kept bantering with each other.

“Kamiya, stop making me laugh!”

“You pick up everything I say and turn it into a joke!”

“I was good at volleyball in gym class, you know. I must be a gifted receiver.”

“A gifted receiver? So you mean a telephone you got as a present?”

“What kind of present is that?”

We couldn’t stop talking, so we decided to take a break by reading the magazines we’d picked up. About halfway through, I realized something.

“Do you write fiction, Kamiya? Your sister and your dad are both writers, aren’t they?”

He looked up from his magazine with genuine surprise.

“You’re right. I’m not sure why, but it’s never occurred to me to write anything.”

“Interesting. You don’t want to?”

“Not now, at least. There are…other things I’d rather do one day.”

Tooru always put his family and Maori first. He prioritized other people over himself. So it was a surprise to hear there was something he wanted to do.

“Really? What is it?”

“Please don’t laugh. I’m kind of interested in photography,” he said a bit reluctantly, like he was embarrassed to admit it.

Photography. He’d never mentioned that before. Maori might not have known, either.

“Of course I wouldn’t laugh. But why photography?”

“Well…photos are like novels in that they take you to other places, right? Because of my family situation, I’ve never been able to travel much… Sometimes, I feel really drawn to photographs. I’ll see a beautiful photo and imagine myself there, which makes me want to go somewhere myself and take pictures like that.”

I was deeply impressed by Tooru’s words. For various reasons, he had probably never been on a trip in his whole life. In a sense, the same was true for me. We knew nothing of the world beyond the place we belonged to. But photographs and novels took us to other worlds. Photos especially, since they were real. They opened windows to unknown places. I could see why he was drawn to that.

“If I told my family or Hino about it, they might take it too seriously,” he went on bashfully. “I’ve never told anyone but you about this.”

His smile and confession left me speechless. I was so happy. So happy that he had shared a secret just with me. He was telling a friend something he couldn’t tell his family or his girlfriend. I was someone special to him.

But I couldn’t let him guess what I was feeling. Instead, I made a joke.

“Hey, you could start taking pictures now. Didn’t you say you were mostly done studying for the civil service exams? You have ideal subjects in me and Maori.”

“I’m more interested in landscapes.”

“But you have something more beautiful than a landscape right in front of you!”

He laughed.

“This is no laughing matter!” I said, pretending to get mad. He apologized. We joked around like that. But…something occurred to me, and it made my heart ache.

One day, Tooru would have the freedom and the money to buy a camera. He would probably use it to take pictures of Maori. My heart pounded quietly but powerfully. Before that happened, couldn’t I have one thing? Before he took photos of Maori with a real camera? Just something simple, something silly—that was enough.

“Would you take a picture of me now, since we’re at the festival and everything?” I said, like I was carrying on the joke. He raised his eyebrows slightly.

“Seriously? But I’m an amateur. Also, I don’t have a camera on my phone.”

“Then I’ll lend you mine. That works, right?”

I opened the camera on my phone and handed it to him. I didn’t intend to make him do it if he really didn’t want to. But he took my phone with a strained smile and looked at the camera app with interest.

“Can I mess around with this?”

“Do whatever you want. It’s not like you’ll break it.”

I showed him how to use it. He brushed his long, thin finger over the screen. He asked me some technical questions. When I asked how he knew that stuff, he said he’d been reading some photography books. I answered the best I could, and he started adjusting the settings.

“Here I go. Are you ready, Wataya?”

“Make sure I look pretty.”

“You’re pretty to start with, so that won’t be a problem.”

“I swear…”

I knew he was joking, but I couldn’t help smiling. I heard the shutter click. Tooru was smiling. He lowered the phone and started reviewing the pictures, still grinning. Then his expression changed to one of surprise.

“What’s wrong? Don’t tell me I closed my eyes.”

“No. It’s just…it must be beginner’s luck. I feel like they came out really good.”

He handed me the phone, and I started looking through the photos. Like him, I was dumbfounded. In the pictures…I looked so happy, I hardly recognized myself.

I was supposed to be cold, someone whose thoughts nobody could guess. But the person in those pictures was different. I looked overjoyed to be with the person outside the frame. You could tell from the warm expression on my face. I seemed different than I did in the usual pictures I took with Maori. So this was how I looked with Tooru?

Calming my trembling heart, I made a joke as usual.

“Don’t you think my face looks puffy?”

Tooru just smiled quietly and said nothing.

After lunch, we checked out the Band Club and Theater Club exhibits in the gym and peeked into the crowded stalls together. We bantered the whole time. The festival ended with a performance by the Pop Music Club and other volunteers in the gym. Neither of us were the type to stand in the front row of a crowd and go wild. Instead, we went to the open, empty school rooftop and listened to the distant music.

It was really fun.

It took me back to when I was six or seven, when my parents still got along. One weekend, the three of us went to an amusement park. We were all so happy. In the evening, my dad put me on his shoulders as we walked back to the parking lot. He was a taciturn, diligent person, not the type to do things like that. It was the first time I’d ever ridden on his shoulders. I hugged his head gently. My mom was a bit worried, but my dad said something to her, and she smiled. I remember very clearly how content she looked.

My father was busy at work and often couldn’t play with me, but I thought he looked handsome and cool in his suit. My mother was young and elegant, and her job as a designer set her apart from most people. I adored them both. When the three of us were smiling together, I had a place where I felt secure. I could simply be happy. A normal kid, free of worries.

As I moved up in elementary school, that secure place disappeared. My dad was too busy with work to come home as much. At a certain point, my mom must have given up on him, because she began pouring herself into work, too. My parents stopped interacting with each other, and when they had to, they fought.

I started junior high. While crying, I tried to mediate between them. They had been so happy together. What had I missed? What had I failed to see? I started to feel afraid of people because I couldn’t see their true selves.

For reasons related to my father’s job, they didn’t divorce. My mother agreed to this. But they both started seeing other people, and they separated. I believed in them less and less, and I mourned the loss of something important to me. But I avoided thinking about it, because I knew when I did, I would become endlessly sad.

Still…I was heartbroken. I had lost the place where I could feel safe. But when I was with Tooru, somewhere within me, I felt at ease. There, all I had to do was innocently experience the world. All I had to do was smile, enjoy myself, and be happy. I was able to be an ordinary girl, free of worries. I was able to forget all my sadness and anxiety and simply be myself.

Is that what love is?

I was too embarrassed to tell anyone these things, but when I was alone with Tooru, that’s what I thought about.

“Thanks for asking me to hang out today, Kamiya. I had a good time.”

We were sitting on a bench on the roof of the school, gazing at the sky and listening to the performance.

“Thanks for going along with it. I had fun as well.”

I looked over at him. He was smiling gently. To keep my love from spilling out, I flashed him an amused grin, the kind a friend would make. “It wasn’t just fun. Today I learned a secret about you.”

“A secret?”

“Photography.”

“Oh…that. But what about you, is there anything you want to do?”

“Me?”

“I’ve never heard you talk about it. Do you want to write a novel?”

I hadn’t expected him to ask me the same question, and it got me thinking. I liked novels, but I’d never considered writing one. In junior high, my family situation didn’t leave mental space for that. And high school was dominated by my studies and Maori’s amnesia. Maori had drawing. Tooru had photography. And I…

“I’ve never thought about writing anything, either. But maybe I could. When things calm down, maybe I’ll give it a try. I’ll win the new writer prize while I’m still in university, and everyone will praise me as a beautiful young authoress. I’ll do talk events with your sister and stuff.”

Although I’d been joking around, Tooru smiled placidly.

“I’ll be first in line to get your signature.”

“Hey, at least make fun of me for calling myself a beautiful young authoress! If you don’t, I’ll be embarrassed!”

“Why? It’s true. You’re pretty.”

“…You sure have a knack for saying embarrassing things with a straight face. I thought the same thing when you took my picture this morning. I’d forgotten that about you.”

He got all flustered, which made me smile. I wondered if I was making the same face I’d made in those pictures. But maybe it was okay, just for today, because Maori wasn’t there.

I wanted to smile because I was happy and because I was with Tooru.

I thought about that as we joked around some more. The concert in the gym ended. I checked the time on my phone and realized that the school festival was almost over.

“I guess it’s time to go back to class,” I said.

“Is it already that late? It went by so fast.”

We grinned at each other and stood up from the bench. I glanced at the door leading inside. Just then, I glimpsed something move on the other side of the glass. For a split second, I thought I saw long black hair flying.

“What’s wrong, Wataya?” Tooru asked warily.

“Hmm? Oh, nothing,” I answered, walking toward the door.

Someone must have been about to come out onto the roof but turned around when they saw someone else there. I started to ascend the short staircase leading up to the door, planning to go back inside. Suddenly, the glimpse of long black hair made me think of Maori.

“By the way,” I said, stopping and turning around. Tooru was right behind me. When I realized he was there…it happened. My lips inadvertently brushed his cheek as I turned my head. I think we both widened our eyes at the same moment. It was a complete accident.

“Sorry,” I said, turning my face away like it was nothing.

“No, I’m sorry,” he apologized. He knew it was no more than a coincidence, and he didn’t act weird about it.

“Anyway, I was going to say,” I went on, pretending to be calm. I was going to bring up Maori’s amnesia, so I looked around to make sure no one was there before lowering my voice to a whisper. “About Maori… I think you know this, but it would probably be better not to tell her about today. I don’t know what tomorrow’s Maori will think about it, but she might feel sad if she knew the two of us had so much fun together at the festival.”

Maybe because I’d brought up her amnesia, his expression grew serious. A moment later, though, it softened.

“Thank you for always putting Hino first,” he said.

“Why should you thank me?”

“Why not? I can be grateful to you.”

We smiled at each other again, then walked up the short staircase and went inside. After we went down the stairs leading to the lower floor, Tooru said he needed to go to the staff room, and we split up.

“Well, Wataya, thanks for today.”

“Thank you, too.”

“Don’t study too hard.”

“I won’t.”

He walked off toward the staff room. I silently watched his back. After he disappeared from view, I remembered my lips brushing his cheek. I softly brought my finger to my mouth. I had a hopeless crush on him. But tomorrow, I would have to put it out of my mind. In front of Maori, I had to keep my distance from him.

“Izumi…”

Just then, someone murmured my name. And it wasn’t just anyone. I recognized that familiar voice. I jerked my head around. There she was, with her beautiful, long black hair—Maori, smiling half-heartedly, in the hallway.

It took me a few seconds to register what was happening. She was supposed to be at home with a fever, but instead she was here in front of me.

“Huh? …Maori? What about your cold?” I asked, hiding how shaken I felt. She looked like she was going to cry.

“…I slept for a little while, and I felt better. So…”

Her next words wrung my heart.

“I wanted to see you. When I read yesterday’s journal, it said you were going to study during the school festival, but… I thought maybe we could go around together. I thought I’d surprise you, so I came to school after lunch, and…”

She’d come just to see me. But I hadn’t even noticed her there. Not only that…

“I’m sorry, Izumi. Was the person you were with just now Tooru Kamiya? I looked at his picture this morning, and I vaguely remember seeing him before my accident.”

She was apologizing even though she hadn’t done anything wrong. I could tell she was desperately forcing herself to smile as she asked me if it was him. I explained the situation with equal desperation.

“Yes, that was him. Your boyfriend, Tooru Kamiya. I told him you had a fever today. He wanted to go to the festival with you, but he must have thought I looked worn out from studying, and…so as a sort of break, we decided to check out the festival. He and I are friends. I said he must be lonely because you weren’t there. And so…”

“Izumi…do you like Tooru Kamiya?”

“What, why? He’s just a friend.”

“I saw the two of you walking around the festival. Not just that. I knew I shouldn’t have; I knew I should have stopped…but I saw you talking on the roof, too. You looked happy. My, well, my yesterday is different from everyone else’s…so I can see certain things. You were looking at him like you cared about him a lot.”

I was shocked speechless. I’d wondered why she was always able to notice my feelings for Tooru so quickly. Now I knew. To Maori, I was the Izumi from before her accident. I must have changed enough that the discrepancy between my two selves was enough to tip her off. Especially when I was with Tooru.

“I’m really getting in your way, aren’t I? I’m sorry,” she said. She smiled, but she couldn’t hide the tears that slid down her eyes. She turned around, hesitated for a second, then started running.

“Maori… Maori!”

I ran after her. If I didn’t catch up with her, I knew it would be bad. I would be making her sad over and over. That was the one thing I wanted to prevent no matter what.

I cared about her tremendously. I knew she was better for Tooru than I was. I knew they were truly in love.

“I’m the one who’s getting in the way!” I shouted down the empty hallway. Fortunately, no one else was around. No one to give me nasty looks for yelling.

I saw her react to my words. She slowed down, then finally stopped and looked at me. I ran up to her, panting.

“Listen to me, Maori. I’ll explain everything!”

“Izumi.”

“I…I do like Kamiya.”

I said it. I went and said it. I told her. I confessed.

But I couldn’t let my words and feelings stop there.

“But above all else…I care about the two of you. You, and Kamiya when he’s with you. And you when you’re with Kamiya.”

I hadn’t thought up those words in advance—they came naturally in the moment. And I was struck by them. It wasn’t just Tooru. I cared just as much about Maori and about the two of them together.

When I said it, something strange happened. Maori looked even more startled. As I wondered why, my vision blurred. Then I realized—I was crying. That was why she was surprised.

The tears stung…but they were also warm.

For the first time, I cried for a reason other than being sad.

I was always disappointed in myself, always giving up on myself. I thought I was cold, someone whose thoughts no one could guess. I never thought of the things I did as pure or beautiful.

Nothing like Tooru did, loving someone else more than himself.

Or like Maori, fighting against despair and still managing to believe in the future.

I didn’t think anything so beautiful existed inside of me. But in that moment, I realized that in a certain way, I was like them. I was forced to realize it.

I cared about Tooru. I cared about Maori. I cared even more about the two of them together.

They meant more to me than my own self. That wasn’t a lie. It was the one pure, beautiful thing inside of me.

I wiped my tears away and continued on the best I could.

“I don’t think today’s you knows Kamiya very well yet. But you really are a great couple. Just read your journal and you’ll see. You’ll see how much he loves you. How much he treasures you. How much you…care for him. I haven’t read your journal, but I know that much.”

Maori had clearly changed since she’d started dating Tooru. She still lived with the despair of having anterograde amnesia, but she enjoyed her life. I knew her better than anyone. That was why I was so sure.

“The two of you mean more to me than my own self.”

Words are always vague, no matter whether you say too much or too little; they never really convey what you’re thinking. Ambiguous signs. Fragmented emotions. Still, I hoped my feelings got through to her. I wanted her to understand.

“But Izumi…you like him, don’t you? Are you okay with this? Isn’t it painful? I have amnesia, and you’re more…”

“Kamiya isn’t the type to care about that kind of thing. Even if he knew about your amnesia, he would never dislike you for it. If that wasn’t the case…I wouldn’t have fallen for him. No matter what condition you’re in, he loves you and only you.”

I was still keeping it a secret that Tooru knew about Maori’s amnesia. Nevertheless, I desperately tried to convey his love for her. And…

“That’s why… That’s why he’ll never be interested in me. It’s a common story. There’s nothing I can do about it.”

When I accepted that, the reality of the situation slid easily into my consciousness. My feelings were unrequited, and nothing would come of them. It didn’t matter if the two of them broke up. He would still love her alone.

“And…yes, it hurts. If I’m being honest, it was painful keeping this from you. Because I couldn’t tell anyone how I felt. Because I thought it was wrong for me to like him.”

I had been suppressing my own feelings by telling myself they would only get in the way and cause trouble for Maori and Tooru.

But…maybe I’d been wrong. Maybe I could care for him in a way that didn’t interfere. Maybe I could still hold on to these feelings, without wanting him to reciprocate them.

That was all right, wasn’t it? To be able to feel that way about him?

I wanted to ask Maori.

The tears that I thought I’d wiped away kept falling miserably as I went on talking.

“But I was able to tell today’s you. Is it…all right…if I like him? I promise I won’t cause any trouble for the two of you. So, so…is it okay if I keep on liking him?”

When I asked her this, she started crying, too. I knew why. Because she was kind. She was crying because she was thinking about how I must feel. She hugged me before answering.

“It’s okay, Izumi. It’s okay to cherish your own feelings. I’m sorry to put you through this. But…thank you. And I’m sorry. Really, thank you.”

For a few more minutes, she kept hugging me and crying.

We skipped homeroom that day and talked on the roof instead. Some things are more important than school rules.

Without feeling any guilt or sorrow, I asked Maori not to write anything that happened today in her journal. My request confused her somewhat, but after I explained my reasons, she agreed. There’s a limit to what words can capture. If she wrote about today, we wouldn’t know how those words would affect her future selves.

For instance, if she wrote Izumi likes Tooru Kamiya, but more than that, she cares about me and him, so she wants us to be together, it might weigh on her in the future. In which case, it would be better not to write anything at all. Better if nothing changed.

“I think I was acting unnaturally before today,” I told her. “I was trying to convince you that something real didn’t exist. That’s unnatural, right? And I was suffering for no reason. But today I told you the truth…and it was such a relief when you said it was okay to cherish my own feelings.”

True to my words, I beamed radiantly at her. It was probably easier to pretend things that didn’t exist did. But doing the opposite was harder. Things that exist inevitably have a presence, a mass. If you deny that, all kinds of contradictions arise. I learned that from this experience.

I liked Tooru Kamiya. That was okay. It was okay that nothing would come of my feelings, because I realized there were things I valued more than my one-sided crush.

I resigned myself without any lingering regret. And I felt like I’d be okay. I was sure I’d be able to go on being friends with Maori and Kamiya just like before.

Maori kept apologizing, but she had nothing to say sorry for. All I felt toward her was gratitude, and I told her so.

“Thank you, Maori. I was able to meet Kamiya because of you. And…I was able to experience having a crush for the first time in my life. I finally fell for someone.”

She was silent for a while. I could imagine the myriad emotions swirling around within her. Regret toward me, anxiety about the future, all sorts of things. But out of every single feeling, she chose to focus on the most positive one.

“Wow, I really want to meet Tooru Kamiya as soon as I can. And…I want to see how I feel when I meet him.”

She smiled at me.

“To be honest, after I woke up today, I didn’t even care if tomorrow came or not. But now…I’m kind of looking forward to it. I’m not afraid to go to sleep. I have you, and this guy Tooru Kamiya who you like.”

Obviously, I didn’t tell Tooru what had transpired between me and Maori. I also tried not to think about it too much. I figured that was the least I could do, considering I’d asked Maori to forget about it.

The following day, Maori came to school seeming just like she always did. She didn’t show any sign of having written down what happened the day before, and nothing seemed unnatural. She looked like she was having fun talking to Tooru.

“Hi, Izumi.”

“Hey, Wataya.”

I was okay with seeing him by then. I was able to act normal.

“Hey. Getting along like two peas in a pod, I see.”

“Izumi, you’re starting to sound like an old man,” Maori said.

“Sometimes a geezer possesses her body,” Tooru added.

“How dare you say that to a beautiful woman like me!”

They meant so much to me. I’d found something in life more valuable to me than myself. These two humans. I prayed that I would be able to be with them forever and ever.

Winter, the season of intense studying, began. In spring, I got into my first-choice university. Tooru was hired by the city hall in the neighboring district, and although Maori still had amnesia, she graduated from high school. We laughed together a lot. We spent spring break together. But that spring, something happened that could never be undone.

“I found out my heart might not be very strong, and…”

One day after the three of us hung out, Tooru and I went on a walk without Maori. That was when he told me this, his expression serious. Although I was surprised, I managed to hold myself together. But when I learned that he’d collapsed the day before, and that his mother had died of heart disease, and that he’d had various tests done as a child, I began to panic.

“Interesting. Um, if there’s anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to ask,” I managed to say. I cared about him, and I wanted to support him.

“In that case…and I’m only saying if something happens, and the chances of that are basically zero. I just want to ask you while it’s on my mind. I’m not saying this is going to happen to me, but people do die abruptly sometimes.”

Maybe I should have never offered to help. I never guessed that he would ask me to do something so heartbreaking.

“If I die, I want you to erase me from Hino’s journal.”

In that moment, I was speechless; all words used as a means of communication vanished from my mind. After I somehow managed to retrieve them, I tried to turn what he’d said into a joke. I tried to do what I always did, which was to make light of things and laugh about them. But I couldn’t do it. Tooru was serious.

“Wh-what are you talking about?”

So I resisted. Maybe I thought that by resisting, I could prevent that reality from happening.

“This is important,” he said.

“I don’t want to do that. You should do it yourself.”

“You’re right. I should. I’m sorry to ask something like this from you. But I want you to listen.”

And then he explained, kindly and calmly. Since he’d never met Maori before she lost her memory, if he died, as long as he wasn’t in her journal, it would be possible to make it like it had never happened.

He was worried about her mental state. On the off chance that something did happen to him, Maori would grieve for him. She would grieve every day. He was right, but I couldn’t easily agree to his request. Even though my first crush was asking me to do it, Tooru, who I cared so much about, it wouldn’t have been right for me to simply say yes.

In the end, though, he smiled and said, “I’m sorry to bring this up.”

After that, I’m certain he said, “I’d better get going. See you later.”

See you later. As if we would meet again. That’s what he said. But…

The following night, he died suddenly from heart failure.

Sorrow and death are as natural as air in this world. Why did I think the two had nothing to do with me? I should have been familiar with sadness. How could I have thought death was unrelated to my life?

After Tooru died, I ultimately decided to do what he had asked me to. I removed all mention of him from Maori’s journal. More accurately, since simply erasing him would have created a sense of incongruity, I had his sister help me edit the journals, substituting incidences of Tooru with me.

That wasn’t all. I worked with Maori’s parents to convince her that she’d always written her entries on her computer rather than in notebooks. We also replaced her phone because the old one had photos of Tooru and messages from him on it.

All of this was to fulfill Tooru’s last wish. To protect Maori’s heart—Maori, who Tooru had loved and cared for so deeply.

And so…his very existence vanished from within her.

3

I sat on a campus bench, the autumn wind blowing around me, thinking about Maori’s life in high school and Tooru’s request. About those days when I didn’t even call him by his first name.

I was holding one of Maori’s handwritten journals from high school—one of the real ones. Tooru was in it. They had laughed together every day. Hard and sad things must have happened now and then, but there were never any problems between the two of them.

Maori had Tooru, and Tooru had Maori.

Even though Maori suffered from anterograde amnesia, as long as she had Tooru and her journal full of happy memories, she was able to keep on living and believing in the future.

Until that day.

I wasn’t sure if I should do this or not, but I decided to write about what happened to organize my thoughts.

My boyfriend, Tooru Kamiya, is dead. My past selves have described Tooru Kamiya in other entries, so please read those.

They said the cause of death was sudden heart failure. Kamiya’s mother died of heart disease, and they said he might have inherited it.

I didn’t know that people could just suddenly die.

I only know about him from what’s written in my journal. I barely remember what he looks like.

Even so, when I learned that he had died, I couldn’t stop crying.

A little while ago, I was at the wake with Izumi. I saw Tooru Kamiya lying in his coffin.

The person who made my past selves so happy had stopped moving.

I still can’t make sense of it. I’m just sad, sad, so endlessly sad.

Every time I reread my past journal entries, the sadness wells up in me. I’m in there. Kamiya is in there. On every page, he and I are smiling.

I’m not trying to make my future self sad. Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this entry, or if I write it, maybe I should tear it out and throw it away.

But today’s self will only exist once. None of my other selves can take their place.

That’s why I made up my mind to leave a record of today in my journal. Future selves, I’m sorry. Forgive me for leaving this journal entry behind.

Kamiya. I want to be with you. I want to see you and talk with you.

You’re good at brewing black tea, I hear. Will you make me a cup? I want to know all about you. I didn’t just want you to support me. I wanted to support you, too.

I want to be with you.

But I can’t, can I? I’m so lonely. So sad.

Maori was in shock from Tooru’s death. After that, she had to face two absurd realities every morning: her own amnesia and his death. She began to grow weaker. Her parents and I had heard that depression could be a complication of anterograde amnesia, and we worried that might be happening to her.

I considered removing the mention of Tooru’s death from her journals and making up another reason for his absence. But that would only be a temporary solution. Worse, it would go against his last wish.

“If I die, I want you to erase me from Hino’s journal.”

Two days before his death, he had collapsed, and one day before his death, he had asked that of me.

I hardly had any interactions with Hino before she lost her memory. So…if I die, as long as I’m not in her journal, we can make it like it never happened.

I’m certain he didn’t want to die. He only said that to me out of an abundance of caution, because his own mother had passed suddenly from heart disease. But his request was cruel. Normally, people try to leave behind traces of themselves when they die. They have a powerful desire to leave proof that they once lived. But Tooru wanted the opposite. He wanted to erase all trace of his existence from his loved one’s memory. He thought only of her.

“I think it might be possible. But are you okay with that?” I asked him that day. He smiled sadly.

“I think I’ll be okay with it.”

The next night, he left the world of the living.

I agonized over what to do, but in the end, I decided to carry out his wish. Together with his sister and Maori’s parents, I erased him from her journals. I kept her real journals, binders, and old phone at my place.

Once all traces of Tooru were gone, Maori gradually recovered. She wrote new journal entries on her computer, drew every day, and lived a quiet life, waiting to recover from her amnesia.

She forgot Tooru completely. It was like he had never existed. But unlike Maori, I couldn’t erase him. My first crush. The first guy I ever liked. And now he was dead.

But as the days and months passed, I felt like I was coming to terms with his death. That’s what it meant to go on living.

But…even if a person comes to terms with death, how can they come to terms with the unrequited feelings they had for someone who died?

I spent my first year of university trying to figure that out. I tried to find someone new to like, but I couldn’t. I was stuck on my first crush, I guess. I didn’t think anyone could replace Tooru.

That continued into my second year. I knew I couldn’t go on like that. I had to forget him. I just didn’t know how.

I…like you.

That’s where I was when I met Naruse. His interest in me was almost blinding, and although I tried to turn him down, I made the mistake of accepting on one condition.

“I’ll date you, but under one condition. Don’t fall in love with me. Can you promise me that?”

Playing at romance should have been enough. A temporary, superficial, coincidental, transient, make-believe love.

Hello. I found you.

You’re pretty attractive yourself.

Thank you for today. I had a good time. I’m looking forward to the aquarium.

But in a way, Naruse was similar to Tooru, and I began to have feelings for him in spite of myself. That made me afraid of him. I felt like he would overwrite my memories of Tooru. The places I’d been with Tooru, the things I wanted to do with him, the things I wanted to see. I felt like Naruse’s presence would inescapably erase all those things.

I was conflicted. I wanted to forget Tooru, but I also desperately didn’t want to. And I ended up hurting Naruse because of it.

Maybe I’d be better off if I could forget everything, like Maori. But that wasn’t because Maori desired it. She inexorably forgot the things she wanted to remember. She was made to forget memories—of Tooru Kamiya, the person she loved.

As fall turned into winter, one month after I had sat on that bench reminiscing about the past, Maori found a sketchbook full of drawings of Tooru in her room. About a year and a half had passed since his death.

“Do you know who this is?” she asked me one afternoon at a café, showing me the sketchbook.

I’d thought I removed all trace of Tooru—journals, photographs, even drawings. I didn’t realize that she had hidden sketches of him behind a bookshelf in her room.

For the first time, I told her the truth. That she used to have a boyfriend named Tooru Kamiya. That his support was the reason she’d managed to graduate from high school. That one day, he had suddenly died. Not just that. I told her that following his last wish, I had erased all trace of him from her journal.

She was shocked. I was afraid our friendship would end that day. But that wouldn’t have been like her. She forgave us for what we had done. Although she was surprised, she smiled, with great effort, I’m sure, and told me she was grateful that we had tried to protect her.

After talking to her parents, I returned her the original journals. She read them and began trying to learn about the boyfriend she had forgotten for so long. She even contacted Tooru’s sister in Tokyo. It seems his sister had expected to get that call one day. She came to our town, and I introduced the two of them. Maori asked about Tooru and seemed to gain some direction in her life.

Tooru had wanted her to forget him completely and regain her own life. There was no need to remember past sorrows. But Maori chose to face his death, even as she went on living. She chose to remember him. She vowed that one day she would remember everything.

But as for me…

4

The same day that Tooru’s sister met Maori, she invited me to dinner at the hotel where she was staying.

Immediately after Tooru’s death, she and I had discussed whether to erase him from Maori’s journals. Afterward, we worked together to carry out our decision. In part because we had made this difficult choice together, a bond similar to friendship formed between us. At least, I thought it had. But like Tooru, I didn’t want to get in the way of her career as an Akutagawa Prize–winning author, and it had been a long time since we met in person.

“Hello, Izumi. It’s good to see you.”

“The pleasure is mine. I’ve been following your work.”

She had reserved a private room so we could talk more easily. In response to my stiff greeting, Tooru’s beautiful sister smiled modestly.

“You don’t have to be so formal. Anyway, I haven’t been doing that much.”

“I don’t think that’s true. I saw the movie, and it was great. I loved the book, too. And, well, I had a question about it…”

That night, I wanted to ask her for advice about how to come to terms with my feelings for Tooru. But there was something else I was dying to know first.

“The book that the movie was based on, did you write it after Tooru died?”

She must have guessed what I was getting at, because she looked me in the eye and said, “…I thought you might be the only one who noticed. I put a little of him into that novel.”

One of the characters was a photographer in his twenties. He appeared in the movie, too. He seemed cold at first, but in reality, he cared more deeply than anyone else about his family, friends, and partner.

Tooru’s sister was the only person I had told about his interest in photography. It was when I was checking over the journals that she had typed and rewritten, replacing him with me in Maori’s entries.

“I wonder if there was anything Tooru wanted to do in life,” she had mumbled. I hesitated but decided to tell her.

“Um…there was something he said he’d never told Maori or his family.”

When I first read the novel, I wasn’t sure if the character was based on Tooru, since his age and other things about him were slightly different. But when I reread the book and then saw the character on screen, I knew. It was definitely Tooru. Having many possible paths to choose from, Tooru pursued what he wanted in life. I only realized it in the second half of the movie. In spite of myself, I started crying.

“So it was Tooru.”

“Yes.”

Maybe in her own way, his sister had channeled her pain and sadness into her art. He had respected her very much, and she had cared for him deeply.

“Actually…I’ve been struggling with something related to Tooru. Would it be all right if I talked to you about it?” I asked, broaching the topic. She smiled kindly.

“Of course. You might laugh at me for saying this, but…sometimes, I think of you as my little sister. So please, tell me anything.”

I’d had no idea she thought of me like that. Choked up with gratitude, I could hardly speak. But I made myself continue, trying to express my thoughts and feelings as honestly as possible. She listened intently, and when I was done, she tried to lighten the mood with a joke.

“Tooru sure was a lucky guy, to have two cute girls care so much about him.”

“I’m not cute!”

She smiled at me as I hurried to counter the compliment. Then she said a little sadly, “And you still feel that way toward him, don’t you?”

In the space of a second, my whole world went still. I’d been trying not to see the truth all this time, because I knew it was meaningless for those feelings to continue existing. They led nowhere. But perhaps I needed to acknowledge them. I still liked Tooru. He was the only one I liked.

“Maybe you’re right.”

“He was your first crush, yes?”

“…Yes. I…tried hard to forget him. I forced myself to date someone else. But I think I knew from the start that it wouldn’t go well. In the end, I broke up with him, only thinking of myself.”

“Ah…that sounds hard.”

“What do you think I should do? How can I forget about Tooru? How can I overcome the grief?”

I always pretended not to notice my sadness. I’ve been like that since my parents’ marriage fell apart. But when I said those words, I realized. I felt it keenly. Maybe I’d been depressed ever since Tooru died. Maybe I still was. As I stared at the table, his sister continued on hesitantly.

“If you’re suffering because you can’t forget Tooru…maybe the first step is trying to forget about yourself.”

I looked up. She smiled, lightening the dark mood I’d created. Like me, she was in her twenties, but she had experienced so much. Her advice would never have occurred to me.

“Forget myself?”

“Yes. For example, is there something you want to do?”

“Yes.”

She looked surprised, probably by how quickly I responded, and then her expression grew kind again.

“Having a goal makes life simple. If there’s something you want to do, maybe you should try pouring yourself into it to the point that you forget yourself. Time will pass. All kinds of things will slip steadily into the past. Maybe you’ll even forget some of the things you didn’t think you could forget.”

“A goal…,” I mumbled. My voice was weak, but from where I sat buried in death and sorrow, the word sounded so distant. I’d heard about goals when I was little, but I’d nearly forgotten the word existed.

“By the way, what is it that you want to do? You don’t have to tell me, but I’d love to know,” she said as I sat there with my heart quietly trembling.

“I…want to try writing a novel.”

After I said it, I felt ridiculous for even suggesting the idea as a total novice. Lots of people must have told her they wanted to write a book. She probably felt uncomfortable every time.

“What kind of novel?” she asked. Far from looking offended, she was cheerfully egging me on. Her smile brought out something locked away at the bottom of my heart.

“If you don’t mind…I’d like to write about Tooru as best I can.”

I’d tried it once but stopped before I finished. But I figured this was my only chance to bring it up, so I plunged ahead.

“Maybe it’s a contradiction to write about him if I’m trying to forget him. But I want to try, partly to sort out my own feelings. And maybe submit it for a prize, or…”

I wanted his sister to read my novel. She knew Tooru better than I did, and I also respected her as a novelist. I couldn’t even express how much her words had helped me. When I felt isolated, the ideas and words in her novels had given me immeasurable courage. But I couldn’t show someone like her a poorly written novel. That was why I was thinking of submitting it to the literary contest she was a judge for. I’d polish it up and then have her read it.

But I wasn’t sure about saying that to her directly. I didn’t even know if I could finish it. The deadline was only three months away. More than anything, I worried that she wouldn’t like a novel about her own brother.

“I can’t wait to read it.”

Instead, she smiled yet again. She even understood what I hadn’t been able to say and responded calmly and impartially.

“I look forward to the day when I receive your novel, because I think you can write. It will be completely unique to you.”

5

Fall became winter, and according to the calendar, it was already December. A lot happened during the time between spring and summer, and summer and fall. I felt like I hadn’t achieved anything, but I knew I’d grasped something important. If I knew anything for sure, it was that I had a goal. I wanted to finish my novel about Tooru and enter it in the writing contest his sister was judging so she could read it.

“When we tell others about our sadness and pain, the meaning behind those feelings changes,” Tooru’s sister had said before I went home the night we had dinner. “We’re able to gain a little distance. Always make sure you have someone you can talk to. Like…me, for example.”

“Really, you don’t mind? For someone like me to go to you…”

“Like I said earlier, I think of you as a younger sister. I’m sorry for not realizing how much pain you were in. From here on out, I’ll be here for you.”

After that, she started texting and calling me now and then, so it was easier for me to talk to her about things. Her warmth touched me. I wished she were my real sister. But I wondered how she would feel about that. Would she really want me as one?

No, I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t the kind of person she could feel proud of yet.

Until recently, I had assumed that I was living my own life. But it was possible that I hadn’t taken a single step forward since Tooru died. All I could think of was him. All I cared about was him. I’d even carelessly hurt the freshman who was interested in me.

That’s when it hit me. I, more than anyone, was a prisoner of his death. When I realized that, I felt like I was able to truly rest for the first time in ages.

Maybe my life was finally beginning. No—I was the one who had to start it. That was another reason I wanted to lose myself in working toward my goal. I wanted to test myself. But now that I’d set my goal, there was something I had to do. Apologize to Naruse. I’d treated him horribly. I’d tried to forget Tooru in the completely wrong way and ended up pulling him into my problems. I’d hurt him so easily, without a second thought for his feelings.

I hadn’t talked to him since we went to the aquarium. Since I felt so awkward, I’d avoided seeing him on campus since summer break ended. It was winter now, and I was still doing it.

“Naruse? You didn’t hear? He’s taking the semester off. I heard he ended the lease on his apartment, too.”

Our mutual friend, the guy in my year who’d gone to high school with him, told me that the week after I had dinner with Tooru’s sister. I’d asked him about Naruse because I thought it was odd that I hadn’t seen him around campus in so long.

“Taking the semester off…really?”

I hadn’t expected that. He didn’t know why he’d left, which worried me. Was it because of me? Had I hurt him that badly?

I thanked him and screwed up my courage to send Naruse a message.

I heard you’re taking time off school.

There was no “read” notification or a response. But that night, he wrote back.

Good to hear from you, Wataya. Thank you for your message. I’m…taking time off for some personal reasons.

I was relieved by his gentle reply and realized how nervous I’d been. I was prepared for him to hate me, but he didn’t seem to hold any ill will toward me. I wondered what his “personal reasons” were, but I didn’t want to pry, in case it had to do with his family. Still somewhat nervous, I tested the waters with a simple question.

Ah. Are you doing okay?

Yes, I’m fine. Things are tough, but I’m getting by.

What are you doing these days?

Working all the time.

He took off school to work? Something must have happened with his family after all. I started to worry that the end of our relationship had been the start to a string of bad luck. I was about to apologize and ask what had happened when he texted.

Uh, Wataya? I’m really happy that we’re talking again.

I stared at his message. Then another one came.

I’m so glad I met you.

But everything I did to you was horrible.

That’s not true. You were out of my league from the start.

Once again, I was painfully aware of how kind he was. Pure, humble, and unselfish…

I don’t have anything to offer.

All the same, he sent me this painfully sad message. I wanted to tell him it wasn’t true, but another text cut off my opportunity before I could finish typing.

How about you? How are you doing?

Me? Same as always. Going to class, helping my mom with work sometimes.

But there was something else, too. I decided to tell him.

Also, I’m writing a novel.

Really, a novel?

Yeah. I’m thinking of submitting it to a contest. Don’t tell anyone, okay?

There was a pause, like he was trying to decide how to respond.

I won’t. Thank you for telling me your secret.

I smiled at his conscientious response. I was about to reply when he texted again.

Oh, sorry. I have to get back to work.

I’d wanted to apologize. But now I realized that was simply because I wanted to make myself feel better. If I apologized at this late date, he would probably just worry about me. Maybe I was to live with how I’d treated him. I shouldn’t let myself off the hook so easily.

Sorry to take up your break time. Thanks, I texted.

Take care. It’s getting cold.

I will. You take care, too.

Thank you. Let’s talk again sometime.

That was the end of our exchange. As I stared at his last message, it hit me that six months ago, he’d been right next to me, but I’d pushed him away. Now I was alone again. Everyone walks alone. Not just me.

Christmas was approaching, but I ignored the festive mood in town and attended class. I continued to work on my novel so I could submit it to the contest.

There were two categories: short stories and novellas. Both were literary fiction and had relatively short page limits. I figured the first step was to finish a draft. Through trial and error, I managed to complete it by the end of the year. It wasn’t great, but I still felt slightly excited to have written my first work of fiction. When I reread it from the beginning, though, I realized I could never submit it as it was. I rewrote it from page one.

It was winter break, and I lost all sense of time, skipping lunch and even dinner, forgetting to sleep, just sitting all day at my computer writing my novel. Before I knew it, three days had passed, and I was done rewriting. It still wasn’t great, but I was able to use it as a framework for future revisions.

Concentrating so hard on something freed me temporarily from the past, from my sadness. Maybe because I was writing about Tooru from an objective perspective, sometimes I even forgot him.

Just like I was absorbed in finishing my novel, Maori was absorbed in studying for university entrance exams. She still called and texted sometimes, though, and I would take a break from writing to joke around and chat like usual.

Finally, at the end of February, the contest submission deadline arrived. For the first time, I entered a piece of fiction to a writing contest.

In March, Maori learned that she’d been accepted into university. During spring break, she and I went to the park famous for its cherry blossoms to celebrate. It was the same place she, Tooru, and I had gone for a picnic during spring break of our second year of high school. This time, having almost remembered something about Tooru, she cried. She said that everything important was there inside her and that one day she would remember all of it.

I was trying to forget Tooru, and she was trying to remember him. I contemplated the contrast silently. I didn’t think either of us was right or wrong. We just each had our own way of living.

In April, Maori began her first year at a different university, and I started my junior year. Although I’d already submitted my novel to the contest, I still felt it was lacking, so I continued to make revisions and even rewrote the whole thing. Sometimes, Tooru’s sister got in touch. We would have a friendly cup of tea or dinner together when she was in the area.

How can I forget about Tooru?

I remembered asking her that question almost six months earlier. Compared to then, I felt a lot better. I was surprised by how helpful it was to pursue a goal. I was able to forget what I thought I would never forget. But Tooru was still there inside me. Sometimes, he appeared in my dreams. I would see someone from behind who looked like him in the halls of our high school and run desperately after him, but I could never catch up. I would wake up crying, telling myself that I had to put him in the past.

Summer came. The contest results were to be announced at the end of July in the magazine hosting it. I’d been buying the magazine every month, but I hadn’t checked on the progress of the contest. Tooru’s sister didn’t say anything about it, either.

Now that I was a junior, I joined career center events and started studying for employment exams. The day of the contest announcement arrived before I knew it. I doubted my name would be on the list. I hadn’t heard anything from the publishing company, so I knew I hadn’t been selected.

I bought the magazine as usual and opened it to the page with the contest results. As I expected, my name wasn’t there. I was disappointed, but there was nothing I could do about it. I wasn’t good enough yet. That was fine. I would take my time and move on. As long as I kept moving forward, I should eventually arrive somewhere.

I looked through the winning entries and names.

…For a second, I thought I’d forgotten how to read Japanese.

Aside from the fiction category, there were also categories for photography and drawing. In the honorable mention column for photography was a name I knew well but could not believe was there. Next to the name of the entry…

Last Ice

Tooru Kamiya

Tooru Kamiya.

It took me a while to read and register that name. But there was no mistaking it. It really was the name I knew so well.

Like dream bleeding into reality, I was overwhelmed by an incomprehensible feeling.

What was going on? Was it just a coincidence? It must be. That was the only possibility. Tooru wasn’t here anymore. I could search the whole world and never find him.

But one tiny corner of my brain felt there was a possibility, 1 percent or even less, that he was still alive.

If I die, I want you to erase me from Hino’s journal.

What if everything that happened after he said that was a lie or a sham created for some reason by Tooru and his sister? What if he really was alive, and after everything calmed down, he went off to take the pictures he’d always wanted to take? What if he was living another life somewhere? A life like the character in that movie?

But that was impossible. I’d attended his wake and funeral. I’d gazed at his face as he lay in his coffin. I knew how cold it was. Or I thought I did…

Nevertheless, unable to calm my nerves, I sent his sister a text.

I saw the honorable mention winner for the photo contest. That’s not Tooru, right?

After a few minutes, she replied. Whether intentionally or not, there was no clear answer in her typical warm message. Instead, she made a surprising offer.

There’s going to be an award ceremony next month for the winners of the photography category, together with the literature and arts. If you like, I can put your name on the guest list for the party.

I gazed at her message, hardly breathing.

I want you to come see for yourself. It’s in Tokyo. Is that all right?

Honestly, what was going on? Did she know something? If it was just a coincidence, she probably would have told me.

Thank you so much, I answered. I was full of questions, but I was still grateful she’d answered my message.

I wasn’t sure if I should tell Maori, but I decided that it might just upset her pointlessly. First, I would figure out what was happening, then talk to Tooru’s sister and decide what to do.

Finals ended, and my summer break began. Tooru’s sister texted me about the award ceremony.

On the day of the ceremony, I have some things to do as a judge, so I can’t be with you. Will you be all right?

Yes, I’ll be fine, I wrote back. Thank you for thinking to ask.

After I sent the message, I hastily pulled up a certain picture on my phone.

There I was in my third year of high school. I was sitting in a chair in an empty classroom, smiling at the person taking the picture. It was the photo Tooru took on the day of the school festival. I had never shown it to Maori or his sister. It was taken by the Tooru that only I knew.

Would that Tooru be there at the party?

I waited uneasily for the day to come. When it did, I took the bullet train to Tokyo to make sure I got there in time for the event that evening. I’d chosen a formal outfit ahead of time. The ceremony was held in the event hall of a hotel with a long history. When I gave my name to the person at the registration desk outside the hall, I was shown in. The award ceremony with the media was taking place in a different part of the hotel, and afterward, the large crowd of attendees would head here for the party.

A steady stream of guests began pouring into the room that had been nearly empty when I arrived. When it was about to begin, the emcee took the stage and the crowd fell silent. He announced the prize winners, and they entered the hall, marking the start of the party. The winners in literature, photography, and art walked onstage. The emcee announced their names and winning entries.

Among the names was “Tooru Kamiya.” I couldn’t believe it. The name was familiar, but the figure dressed in a suit was not. “Tooru Kamiya” delivered his comments, and when all the winners had finished giving theirs, too, they walked down from the stage. Then it was time for casual mingling, and the winners were surrounded by people wanting to talk to them.

I walked forward silently. My throat was scratchy and dry. From a slight distance, I gazed at “Tooru Kamiya” in his suit, burning the image into my mind. He noticed my eyes on him and glanced at me. He was shocked. For a few seconds, we stared at each other. I felt like we had looked at each other like this before. When was it? Where? I, too, was overcome by surprise. He smiled and walked over to me.

“Wataya.”

It wasn’t the real Tooru Kamiya. It was my fellow university classmate Tooru Naruse, who had accepted the prize in Tooru Kamiya’s name.